i started sewing for the fashion show.

it really stresses me out. i enjoy it, but i eventually sew a seam inside out or something that takes me over the edge of frustration and i abandon the project. so i leave the half-finished black tulle shirt-or-maybe-dress-that-has-a-collar-or-maybe-it's-a-cape and go watch old episodes of project runway instead. i'm usually not overly impressed with the things they come up with, but it makes me feel better when i can look at something and think "wow, that is ugly and not at all well-made. i could probably do almost as well."

i think that i would just be automatically better if i were a hundred-pound fierce little bitch boy with flooshy hair like christian siriano.

i am wondering if perhaps i should have looked into a transfer to nscad for fashion next year. i find that lately all my work for school i've just been doing because it's what i'm supposed to do, not because i'm particularly passionate about it. thinking back on the things this year that i've really been into: my self-portrait photo project because i got to dress up. my wooden sculpture project was a garment. my current sculpture project is a garment. so if i'm going to be making clothes all the time, i'd really like to take a program where i can actually learn the technical skills i need to pull it off. because as of now that's what gets me frustrated makes me give up.

and i just now remembered about my national theatre school application. due march 15th, and i have to build an acual scale model of my set design. i don't know how to do set design. i don't even know which play i'm designing for yet.

i am so annoyed with myself at the moment and wondering why i write this down and expect people to read it because i probably wouldn't if i weren't me and that didn't make any sense and it's five in the morning and i don't want class to start again because i have to make these clothes and do my costume and set designs and do more costume designs for real and draw 40 drawings and ahhh.