btw,

i started a tumblr because that seems to be the cool thing to do these days. i think i like it better because it doesn't make me feel like i should say more words.

i want a job that doesn't suck and i want it to not rain when i want to go for a bike ride and i want to move into my apartment and i want to learn an instrument and i want to be more confident and i want to have better skin and i want to lose weight and i want to be less messy and i want more friends and i want real friends and i want a boy and i want a city and i want to be alone in the darkroom at 3am and the chemical smells and i want to remember more dreams and i want to be more motivated and i want a record player and i want to know more music and i want to read more books and i want people i can talk to and i want to be less shy or i want to be shy in a more alluring way and i want to believe in myself and i want to have more ideas or i want to have better ideas and i want to be less typical and i want to be more typical and i want to not sound like i'm trying to be poetic and i want new glasses and i want to go antiques shopping and i want more clothes and i want less clothes and i want this summer to be over and i want to be less whiny all the time.

i write a lot of blog posts like this but don't publish them and then every once in a while i go through them and laugh at myself. i really whine about the same things over and over again and act like they're a huge deal every time.

i don't really have anyone to talk to anymore so i feel the need to update my blog with whatever i'm thinking of to get some thoughts out of my head.

sometimes i go on youtube and watch sunset rubdown videos and end up watching several different versions of "the taming of the hands that came back to life" that were all from different shows but the same song and spencer is usually wearing the same plaid shirt. he does this part at the end that isn't in the song normally and it's really great. sometimes there is way too much camilla. i have seriously watched so many videos of this song.

i decided i need to try to be more confidant and i realized i have this one friend who is so seemingly effortlessly confident and i have no idea when that happened and i got kind of jealous but then i thought being not confident is just kind of how i am and i don't know how to fix it.

um.

teeth and bathtubs.

i don't want to work tomorrow.

beeeees.

there's an art show/community event thing here next week that's all about bees. i'm trying to come up with something to put in it. i've been making little felted bees that will probably be made into some sort of neckpiece that looks like a swarm of bees and i dyed the yarn to make into some sort of beehive (hive for bees) and beehive (hairdo) hat wig thing. i don't know if it will work or not but it will be something.

i know a few people who are quite fond of bees.

things as they come to me.

i like buying things. polar bear parkas and fur coats and poofy dresses. i need to start checking out yard sales and antiques stores again.

i had a job interview today at a war museum. they said they'd call this evening but i don't think they will now.

i have been watching doctor who. i don't know if i like it or not but i can't stop watching. i'm almost caught up. the new series only, of course. david tennant is so adorable. the new guy is also but i think it's mostly the bow tie and tight pants.

i haven't been listening to sunset rubdown every moment of my life. this is a good sign.

i also haven't cross-stitched. but i have almost finished my second grey sock.

i am disappointed in lost.

i want to move into my apartment.

my friend had a party and her friends from school who i don't know came and i only felt normal-me-awkward rather than me-at-a-party awkward. that was nice.

i went through a bunch of my grandmother's photo albums, some from when i was a kid and some from when my mom and her siblings were around my age. i want to scan and preserve the old ones because there are a bunch of polaroids that are seriously fading and they're really great. i love seeing my grandmother's house, which is now my aunt's, covered in wood paneling and rust-coloured shag carpet.

i hope i age well like my parents. and grandmother.

i always think i want to live somewhere not so close to here, just me and, if i have one, my significant other. but then i go through those photos and realize how much fun we had as a family when we were kids. maybe i'll want that eventually. i don't know.

whenever i think the words "when i have kids" it's like "when i have kids i'll show them all these cool things i owned and pass them down to them" or "i'll dress them in vintage and miniature-adult-clothes so they'll be cool". these are really bad reasons to have kids. i don't think i should have kids if i'm going to hand down my useless junk that they won't care about or force them to wear bow ties or pantyhose and tuck in their shirts since that would probably get them teased mercilessly in school. no, i think i'm too selfish to ever have kids.

ew, babies. blaaaaah everyone is turning 20. i don't want to turn 20. i don't know how to be a responsible adult.

i've stopped remembering my dreams. i haven't remembered any for the past three nights, and only a snippet or two from the several nights before. i miss them. they were so good at first.

damn summer.

being hot and getting in the way of my ability to wear my awesome new coats.

i've had my lovely red parka for a few years but i've always wanted one that was not red because i don't really wear red. also since meeting my lovely friend claire i've envied her hood-tail. this one came to my rescue. POLAR BEARS.

FABULOUS

do you ever go shopping (by shopping i mean thrifting) and see something that is wonderful and ridiculous and fabulous and too totally out-there to actually wear but you just need to buy it anyway because you can't stand the thought of it sitting there unwanted or going to some high school kid who just wants something ridiculous to wear to a dance? something that is a stretch for someone who is of your body type and living in a small town to pull off but if you were a 5'10'' and 100 pound model walking around new york for fashion week you would rock the shit out of it?

i have found that thing. well, i have found those things before, but this is the mother of "that thing"s:


and here i try to be fabulous like the kids on the fashion blogs.


SO GOOD, right? i'm beginning to feel a teeny bit guilty about the amount of fur that i own (yes, it's real) but it's not like i'm buying it new, i guess.

hello there.

i am such a useless lump. i don't know what it is i do with myself that manages to take up entire days.

well, i've been doing some things.

i re-did a chair that was previously covered in a horribly falling-apart black and tan stripe. the tan looked like it was supposed to be white but was really dirty. not a good look. also it was a jersey fabric. which was waaaay too saggy to use for a chair covering. while picking the fabric i told myself not to use another knit but i did. wool sweaters have a bit more elasticity, though.

also i've been cross-stitching. does it look like i did much to it since last time. did i? no. but what i did took a long time anyway. cross stitch = most time consuming thing ever.

i've also taken apart two sweaters, one t-shirt, four scarves, and a pair of gloves.

for those of you who have ever wondered "i wonder what kelly's room at home looks like?" (i wonder this about people, i don't know if that is something other people do) here is the answer.

it's REALLY ORANGE. and the floors are this hideous pink colour that was there when we ripped up the carpet. my mom always promised to paint it but i could never bother to get all my stuff out so that could happen. speaking of floor, can you see floor? yes? that means my room is tidy. my room in my apartment will not look like this. this room is six or seven years of hoarding useless brightly-coloured junk and clothes and toys and pictures of things that i used to like and am now embarrassed of.

(dig my MS Paint photo collage assembly skills)

i ordered one of these the other day even though i don't have a record player. it was an OMG THESE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SOLD OUT impulse. when i bought it i was just thinking how it would be a good thing to own because it's limited edition and all and david horvitz is a cool guy and sunset rubdown is my favourite. but now i really want a record player. i'm not really the music nerd type so i never really considered it, but it was bound to happen sooner or later with my love for most things old-fashioned. and since i pretty much just listen to the same albums over and over again, building up a collection would not be so costly. i just need sunset rubdown. and maybe the soundtrack to cabaret. that would be cool. some flapper jazz. and maybe lady gaga. i wonder how many people buy lady gaga on vinyl.

dreams are fun.

i don't want to go to sleep.

i just want to cross stitch forever and ever!


we had a few days apart but i'm serious about this shit again.

(i don't think i've ever shown off how fabulously high-quality the webcam i bought far $3 is. now you know.)

i venture into a dreamland

i've started writing down my dreams when i wake up in the morning. i've only been doing it for four days, but i've already realized some things.

- i have teeth-falling-out dreams A LOT. i already knew that it was something that appeared a lot, but now that i'm making more of an effort to remember them i realize it happens even more than i had thought. sometimes it's the main, uh, plot point? but sometimes i'll just take a second to stop whatever else i'm doing and spit out a chunk of molar that just fell off. ew.

- things are usually "we did this" or "we were there" but i don't often know who the other people in the "we" are.

- i never have sex dreams. my dream-brain's equivalent seems to be kissing people in bathtubs. i just realized it has happened a couple of times.

spare time.

i've been trying to make things but they've been frustrating me so i decided to take things apart instead.

i have a huge bag of clothes and scarves and shit that i tell myself i'm going to make into better and more useful things but really i'm never going to. so i'm taking it all apart thread by thread.

it's being collected in bags and i might do something with it eventually but for now i'm just doing it because it feels good.