there's bound to be some whining in here.

i've started to write a few blog posts over the past few days but stopped because all they were was whining. i suppose this is whining too, but it's whining about how i'm aware that i'm a pretty whiny person. i'm not sure if i do it out loud very often or only in my head and on the internet, but i hope people don't think i'm whiny. i've started a page in my sketchbook where i take a few moments to write down whatever i feel like whining about, and that makes me feel better because i can get it out but keep it tucked away in my sketchbook where nobody has to listen to it. writing out complaints in fancy colourful fonts makes them much more fun.

i'm not a person who handles stress very well. when i have too much on the go i get stressed that i won't finish it all and get discouraged and just want to sleep all day and not do anything. the week before last was kind of the most pile-on-of-stuff i've ever experienced, and the bad mood i got in because of it still hasn't worn off. i'm still sleeping at the wrong hours which has caused me to miss more drawing classes than i've been attending. this is something that is really not good and i keep trying to fix but sleeping through several alarms anyway. i think once this play is over i'll feel much better about myself.

i'm feeling better about the play too. it'll still be bad, but not embarrassingly so. up until recently i was being a judgmental bitch and thought that the other people in it thought they were all absolutely the best shit ever, but since we've been rehearsing every day i've realized that they're not like that at all. they're just doing the best they can with bad direction and a boring script.

i can't decide if i'm a judgmental person or i just think i am or if other people think i am. in a previous post, i think i said something about how i don't really like "theatre people". well, what are theatre people? if i'm involved in theatre, i'm a theatre people. i don't know why i was so quick to separate myself. i mean, there are times i'd like to tell some people in the cast to shutthefuckupthisthingisnotthatfunny, but i'm sure if someone hung around the lobby of the fine arts building they'd want to say the same. it's just that i don't know them as well.

i wonder very often if people think i'm a snob or something. i would wear one of betty's badges that says something like "you can talk to me, i'm just shy", but that seems like a cry for attention. which i guess it would be, in a way. i try to attract people to me by the way i dress and such, but i guess it doesn't seem to work too much. everyone seems to be shy. just not as shy as me. i don't know how people meet each other and become friends. i mean, i have friends. but i don't have really good friends. i don't have go-to-each-other's-rooms-to-talk-late-at-night friends or check-before-going-to-meal-hall friends. i just really don't know how to do that. i think that in the past few weeks especially my social skills have gone from awkward to problematic. the other day i actually had to suddenly leave an event because i couldn't handle being around people.

i really don't want to seem like i'm crying for sympathy because i hate when people do that but i really do it myself which annoys me. i just need to get this stuff out. god, i hate whiny blogs and whiny people and that is so hypocritical. i really started out trying to write down something positive without complaints but i can't seem to. i guess it's just because there's nobody i feel comfortable enough with to say it in person but i need to say it because bottling up feelings are not good. i always pretend i don't have feelings and that's probably not healthy.

it's hard to say "hey, whoever's reading this, i realize i complain too much and that my blog is not that interesting because neither am i!" without sounding annoyingly self-deprecating.