grapefruitjuice.

i'm closer to my 20th birthday than to my 19th. i have an apartment with a lease in my name and a chequebook and i can drive on the highway and i'm halfway through my degree, after which i'll likely be moving to a city. i don't know how to live in a city. i don't know how to even visit a city.

i'm not ready to be an adult. i'm still 15 years old in my head and years round down to 2000 rahter than there having been a full decade passed since then. i still stay in my room wasting time all day and plaster my walls with pictures of my favourite celebrity figures (though now they're nice hand-processed prints of my own photos rather than ratty magazine cutouts of captain jack sparrow) and whine to myself about not getting invited to hang out with the cool kids.

i was reading spencer krug's dreams and there was one where he sees his sister naked and is disturbed because for one he saw his sister naked but also because before he realized it was his sister he just saw it as some middle-aged woman. because that's what she was now. being 33 is not quite middle age of course and it's very different from being 19 but it's still kind of the same sort of realization i've been having. i'm not a child anymore and that's very strange. i realized that when i was the age my sister is now i had a boyfriend and went awkwardly to parties where people knew who i was and therefore weren't confused my my presence but they didn't actually know me. my sister is a lot like i am in terms of social awkwardness and such but i don't think she does these things. i think that's better, really, because having the boyfriend and going to the parties were not really things i actually wanted, just things i thought i did.

social circles seem to be pretty much defined by the music people listen to. i never feel like i listen to enough music to fit in.

i also always want to whine in blog posts about these sorts of things. i don't know if i do too much of it. i definitely think of myself as an introvert and i suppose everyone would, but when i spend too much time alone i get to thinking about too many things and getting in strange moods that are not necessarily good. but then when i attempt to be with people to fix it i usually end up awkward and flustered so maybe that's not good either and i guess i am totally an introvert. maybe i'm neither. i can't be alone or with people. that's kind of unfortunate.

i don't really know what i think i'm getting at here.

but i'm getting pretty serious about cross stitch.

i'm not going to tell you what it is unless you're claire, in that case you already know. it will hopefully eventually begin to look like something. it will hopefully be finished some day.