on followers

whenever i want to read someone's blog, i go through the series of clicks that get me to that blog from my own, by clicking on my followers. if i want to creep on someone who does not follow me, i click from my followers' blogs they follow. i'm having one of those instances where saying a word makes it not seem like a word anymore. follow. i don't know why i don't just follow them like a normal person would. i feel like there might be a fine line between where i know a person enough to read their thoughts and just being a creep. i prefer to creep anonymously.

i have a similar thing about facebook friends. if you've ever received a friend request from me, it was probably betty who did it.

i guess the purpose of this post is to let you know that if you're reading my blog anonymously and not following me, i'm probably doing the same to you. and if you're not reading my blog, i'm still probably doing it, you'll just never know.

damnit, alexander mcqueen.

why? just why?







the prints! the art historical references! so gorgeous.




:(

i got new glasses.

here they are on my face.



i'm feeling more positive, for now at least. it's time to get shit done.

but i think i might have to let slide my national theatre school application. i just don't have the time. i just feel bad that my mother has paid the application fee.

i just realized that these shorts look kind of diapery from the back. hmm.

listen to me whine some more!

i feel uninspired and unmotivated and untalented and uninteresting.

it just feels better to get it out there.

i have a new idea for my fashion show clothes, i hope it works out.

i started sewing for the fashion show.

it really stresses me out. i enjoy it, but i eventually sew a seam inside out or something that takes me over the edge of frustration and i abandon the project. so i leave the half-finished black tulle shirt-or-maybe-dress-that-has-a-collar-or-maybe-it's-a-cape and go watch old episodes of project runway instead. i'm usually not overly impressed with the things they come up with, but it makes me feel better when i can look at something and think "wow, that is ugly and not at all well-made. i could probably do almost as well."

i think that i would just be automatically better if i were a hundred-pound fierce little bitch boy with flooshy hair like christian siriano.

i am wondering if perhaps i should have looked into a transfer to nscad for fashion next year. i find that lately all my work for school i've just been doing because it's what i'm supposed to do, not because i'm particularly passionate about it. thinking back on the things this year that i've really been into: my self-portrait photo project because i got to dress up. my wooden sculpture project was a garment. my current sculpture project is a garment. so if i'm going to be making clothes all the time, i'd really like to take a program where i can actually learn the technical skills i need to pull it off. because as of now that's what gets me frustrated makes me give up.

and i just now remembered about my national theatre school application. due march 15th, and i have to build an acual scale model of my set design. i don't know how to do set design. i don't even know which play i'm designing for yet.

i am so annoyed with myself at the moment and wondering why i write this down and expect people to read it because i probably wouldn't if i weren't me and that didn't make any sense and it's five in the morning and i don't want class to start again because i have to make these clothes and do my costume and set designs and do more costume designs for real and draw 40 drawings and ahhh.

i've been feeling strange.

i feel like i'm losing my interest in clothes. i mean, i still love clothes, but i'm tired of all the ones i own. i was on a lace and frills and whites and pinks and nudes and delicate things kick for the past few months, and now i'm sick of it all. i want to wear black and have strong shoulders. i want thigh-high boots and chunky heels.

i bought some new things this weekend. white oxfords and a black sweater dress with leather fringe that looks ridiculous on me but i inexplicably had to have it. these are more how i want to feel. i also bought a pretty dress that needs an occasion to be worn. it's an ivory colour with beaded roses that reminded me of some of the close-ups of the beading in my valentino book, but less elaborate and less vintage and less valentino. it has the most perfectly-shaped low back and is just my size.

i think a haircut might help. but i missed my chance for that. maybe i'll do it myself. be more daring. also doing laundry might make me remember about things i've not worn for weeks.

i want my mail to arrive so i can put new glasses on my face and shallow my depth of field.

maybe i'll start taking pictures of my outfits again to post here and on my ravelry group. that might make me feel a little better about myself.

i need to do laundry. except that i don't have any change and don't feel like traipsing about campus to get some. maybe i'll just sort out my clothes into large piles on the floor and put together things that combine a sufficient amount of frilly and black.

i'm going to have more pictures and less complaining next time, okay?

all my blog posts

are just photographs and clothing sketches and mundane things that happen in my life and the occasional mention of how in love i am with spencer krug.

i was reading the blog of a friend of mine and thinking about how her posts always have some sort of introspect into herself or people or the world in general. mine are just awkward short phrases that i probably just post to make myself seem interesting to the people who find this blog, most of whom are probably people from a knitting website who click on my profile once or twice. i've never really told anyone that i have a blog.

maybe i'll try to make more interesting posts, not just show off how i secretly think i'm cool enough for people to think i'm cool. or are short impersonal sentences just how i am? i dunno.

but i like taking photos and sketching clothes and i'll mention again how much i love spencer krug. seriously. i drift in and out of obsession with this man and currently i'm in full-on love mode. at the wolf parade show, i'm going to have to arrive hours early and position myself to the far-left side of the stage because i've watched enough youtube videos to know that's where spencer is. he's just so...intense. his voice is just so emotional and peculiar. "the mending of the gown" may be one of the best songs ever. and you may remember my fondness for men with facial moles.

i'm trying to come up with a better word for that. mole sounds like the bumpy protruding kind. freckle is more of a small all-over thing. beauty mark is the most appropriate for the way i feel about them but sounds like something drawn on with eyeliner.

in other news, i've received my application package for the national theatre school. it seems more set-based than costume, which worries me. i have to actually build a scale model of my set design and mail it to montreal. i don't even know how that is supposed to happen. i obviously don't expect to be accepted, but now that i've paid the application fee i might as well follow through, even if i don't really have the time. a friend suggested i make spring awakening set in the future. futuristic dystopian germany.

also, i ordered a lens adapter for my camera. it will allow me to use my lens from my old pentax which i loved dearly but put aside for a camera with a working light meter. the new camera has a zoom lens, which is fairly convenient, but i've missed my f1.4. a lot. both because of my love of a shallow depth of field and because of my shaky hands that appreciate the fastest shutter speed possible.

buying things online is a thing i really shouldn't get in the habit of doing. but glasses and a lens adapter for $25? cannot resist. let's hope they actually arrive.

these are some photos and things.

this is justin, he let my put sequins on his face. i am appreciative of that.





these are my cool friends. with a giant tiger.



these are the glasses i just ordered. i was inspired to get them after seeing professor ben on last night's episode of lost.



this is my favourite band. i am going to see this man that i love in another band in april.



gawddam i love this song.

how do i do this?

look at the clock and it's 2:38 am? really?

this makes me very sad.

goodbye to lee alexander mcqueen. i'll miss your ridiculous lipstick and lobsterclaw shoes. it's a pity that we don't get to see whatever was still to come. i imagine lady gaga is heartbroken.

this is my tribute.