oh look some pictures

these are from the fashion show that i pulled together at the very last minute. thanks to my awesome models betty lucy becky claire laura david (latter half not pictured, more to come in the future)

there's bound to be some whining in here.

i've started to write a few blog posts over the past few days but stopped because all they were was whining. i suppose this is whining too, but it's whining about how i'm aware that i'm a pretty whiny person. i'm not sure if i do it out loud very often or only in my head and on the internet, but i hope people don't think i'm whiny. i've started a page in my sketchbook where i take a few moments to write down whatever i feel like whining about, and that makes me feel better because i can get it out but keep it tucked away in my sketchbook where nobody has to listen to it. writing out complaints in fancy colourful fonts makes them much more fun.

i'm not a person who handles stress very well. when i have too much on the go i get stressed that i won't finish it all and get discouraged and just want to sleep all day and not do anything. the week before last was kind of the most pile-on-of-stuff i've ever experienced, and the bad mood i got in because of it still hasn't worn off. i'm still sleeping at the wrong hours which has caused me to miss more drawing classes than i've been attending. this is something that is really not good and i keep trying to fix but sleeping through several alarms anyway. i think once this play is over i'll feel much better about myself.

i'm feeling better about the play too. it'll still be bad, but not embarrassingly so. up until recently i was being a judgmental bitch and thought that the other people in it thought they were all absolutely the best shit ever, but since we've been rehearsing every day i've realized that they're not like that at all. they're just doing the best they can with bad direction and a boring script.

i can't decide if i'm a judgmental person or i just think i am or if other people think i am. in a previous post, i think i said something about how i don't really like "theatre people". well, what are theatre people? if i'm involved in theatre, i'm a theatre people. i don't know why i was so quick to separate myself. i mean, there are times i'd like to tell some people in the cast to shutthefuckupthisthingisnotthatfunny, but i'm sure if someone hung around the lobby of the fine arts building they'd want to say the same. it's just that i don't know them as well.

i wonder very often if people think i'm a snob or something. i would wear one of betty's badges that says something like "you can talk to me, i'm just shy", but that seems like a cry for attention. which i guess it would be, in a way. i try to attract people to me by the way i dress and such, but i guess it doesn't seem to work too much. everyone seems to be shy. just not as shy as me. i don't know how people meet each other and become friends. i mean, i have friends. but i don't have really good friends. i don't have go-to-each-other's-rooms-to-talk-late-at-night friends or check-before-going-to-meal-hall friends. i just really don't know how to do that. i think that in the past few weeks especially my social skills have gone from awkward to problematic. the other day i actually had to suddenly leave an event because i couldn't handle being around people.

i really don't want to seem like i'm crying for sympathy because i hate when people do that but i really do it myself which annoys me. i just need to get this stuff out. god, i hate whiny blogs and whiny people and that is so hypocritical. i really started out trying to write down something positive without complaints but i can't seem to. i guess it's just because there's nobody i feel comfortable enough with to say it in person but i need to say it because bottling up feelings are not good. i always pretend i don't have feelings and that's probably not healthy.

it's hard to say "hey, whoever's reading this, i realize i complain too much and that my blog is not that interesting because neither am i!" without sounding annoyingly self-deprecating.

tonight

i meant to post something about the last little while but i got distracted and forgot. i meant to go to bed early but the same thing happened. tomorrow will be the day.

teeny tiny things.

you may know that i'm applying to the national theatre school for costume and set design. the application process includes costume illustrations for each character, ground plans, sketches of the set, and an actual scale model of the set design. due this monday. we had a choice of four plays, and i was undecided until, well, yesterday. i have a lot of stuff on the go right now so i considered letting it go since i don't at all expect to even get an interview, let alone accepted. but my application fee is paid and i figured i might as well.

building a set model is time-consuming stuff. especially considering i know absolutely nothing about set design. the proportions are teeny. i've been making stools that are 1/4" wide. i feel like i could be enjoying this more if i didn't have other things on the go, most of which i'm also annoyed at.

the fashion show is this weekend, and i regret signing up. there was a rehearsal last weekend and it was basically the most disorganized thing ever. we stood around for hours while the people in charge debated whether or not the models should pose at the beginning or end of the runway. tickets cost more than anyone will be willing to pay, for a few people to walk through the cafe in t-shirts that seem to have been ordered online and beaded jewelry that would better suit women of the middle-aged variety. and my clothes are nowhere near finished. they'll either be different from everyone else and awesome, or unfinished and shitty.

my theatre class is also not my favourite thing at the moment. the prof seems to be hated by everyone she has taught. i don't really know why, i can't pinpoint what it is that makes her so hard to like. but there's something. i also, for some reason, dread going in to work in the costume shop. i feel like the theatre designer is constantly judging me. she's quite picky, which i suppose is a good thing if she wants her "vision" realized, but there doesn't seem to be much of a vision at all. the costumes i've seen in this theatre group's productions have not really been my favourite, homemade-looking or pieces that seem strangely out of place. then again, i don't have any right to judge someone who's designed for years. what have i done? i keep telling myself that costume design is what i want to do with myself but i'm beginning to realize that i don't really like theatre people. i don't know what it is. i can't say why. but i just don't feel comfortable around theatre people.

i think my problem is that what i want to do falls somewhere right around the middle of the art/fashion/costume triangle. i don't exactly know what you can do with that. work for the haus of gaga.

on followers

whenever i want to read someone's blog, i go through the series of clicks that get me to that blog from my own, by clicking on my followers. if i want to creep on someone who does not follow me, i click from my followers' blogs they follow. i'm having one of those instances where saying a word makes it not seem like a word anymore. follow. i don't know why i don't just follow them like a normal person would. i feel like there might be a fine line between where i know a person enough to read their thoughts and just being a creep. i prefer to creep anonymously.

i have a similar thing about facebook friends. if you've ever received a friend request from me, it was probably betty who did it.

i guess the purpose of this post is to let you know that if you're reading my blog anonymously and not following me, i'm probably doing the same to you. and if you're not reading my blog, i'm still probably doing it, you'll just never know.

damnit, alexander mcqueen.

why? just why?







the prints! the art historical references! so gorgeous.




:(

i got new glasses.

here they are on my face.



i'm feeling more positive, for now at least. it's time to get shit done.

but i think i might have to let slide my national theatre school application. i just don't have the time. i just feel bad that my mother has paid the application fee.

i just realized that these shorts look kind of diapery from the back. hmm.

listen to me whine some more!

i feel uninspired and unmotivated and untalented and uninteresting.

it just feels better to get it out there.

i have a new idea for my fashion show clothes, i hope it works out.

i started sewing for the fashion show.

it really stresses me out. i enjoy it, but i eventually sew a seam inside out or something that takes me over the edge of frustration and i abandon the project. so i leave the half-finished black tulle shirt-or-maybe-dress-that-has-a-collar-or-maybe-it's-a-cape and go watch old episodes of project runway instead. i'm usually not overly impressed with the things they come up with, but it makes me feel better when i can look at something and think "wow, that is ugly and not at all well-made. i could probably do almost as well."

i think that i would just be automatically better if i were a hundred-pound fierce little bitch boy with flooshy hair like christian siriano.

i am wondering if perhaps i should have looked into a transfer to nscad for fashion next year. i find that lately all my work for school i've just been doing because it's what i'm supposed to do, not because i'm particularly passionate about it. thinking back on the things this year that i've really been into: my self-portrait photo project because i got to dress up. my wooden sculpture project was a garment. my current sculpture project is a garment. so if i'm going to be making clothes all the time, i'd really like to take a program where i can actually learn the technical skills i need to pull it off. because as of now that's what gets me frustrated makes me give up.

and i just now remembered about my national theatre school application. due march 15th, and i have to build an acual scale model of my set design. i don't know how to do set design. i don't even know which play i'm designing for yet.

i am so annoyed with myself at the moment and wondering why i write this down and expect people to read it because i probably wouldn't if i weren't me and that didn't make any sense and it's five in the morning and i don't want class to start again because i have to make these clothes and do my costume and set designs and do more costume designs for real and draw 40 drawings and ahhh.

i've been feeling strange.

i feel like i'm losing my interest in clothes. i mean, i still love clothes, but i'm tired of all the ones i own. i was on a lace and frills and whites and pinks and nudes and delicate things kick for the past few months, and now i'm sick of it all. i want to wear black and have strong shoulders. i want thigh-high boots and chunky heels.

i bought some new things this weekend. white oxfords and a black sweater dress with leather fringe that looks ridiculous on me but i inexplicably had to have it. these are more how i want to feel. i also bought a pretty dress that needs an occasion to be worn. it's an ivory colour with beaded roses that reminded me of some of the close-ups of the beading in my valentino book, but less elaborate and less vintage and less valentino. it has the most perfectly-shaped low back and is just my size.

i think a haircut might help. but i missed my chance for that. maybe i'll do it myself. be more daring. also doing laundry might make me remember about things i've not worn for weeks.

i want my mail to arrive so i can put new glasses on my face and shallow my depth of field.

maybe i'll start taking pictures of my outfits again to post here and on my ravelry group. that might make me feel a little better about myself.

i need to do laundry. except that i don't have any change and don't feel like traipsing about campus to get some. maybe i'll just sort out my clothes into large piles on the floor and put together things that combine a sufficient amount of frilly and black.

i'm going to have more pictures and less complaining next time, okay?