btw,

i started a tumblr because that seems to be the cool thing to do these days. i think i like it better because it doesn't make me feel like i should say more words.

i want a job that doesn't suck and i want it to not rain when i want to go for a bike ride and i want to move into my apartment and i want to learn an instrument and i want to be more confident and i want to have better skin and i want to lose weight and i want to be less messy and i want more friends and i want real friends and i want a boy and i want a city and i want to be alone in the darkroom at 3am and the chemical smells and i want to remember more dreams and i want to be more motivated and i want a record player and i want to know more music and i want to read more books and i want people i can talk to and i want to be less shy or i want to be shy in a more alluring way and i want to believe in myself and i want to have more ideas or i want to have better ideas and i want to be less typical and i want to be more typical and i want to not sound like i'm trying to be poetic and i want new glasses and i want to go antiques shopping and i want more clothes and i want less clothes and i want this summer to be over and i want to be less whiny all the time.

i write a lot of blog posts like this but don't publish them and then every once in a while i go through them and laugh at myself. i really whine about the same things over and over again and act like they're a huge deal every time.

i don't really have anyone to talk to anymore so i feel the need to update my blog with whatever i'm thinking of to get some thoughts out of my head.

sometimes i go on youtube and watch sunset rubdown videos and end up watching several different versions of "the taming of the hands that came back to life" that were all from different shows but the same song and spencer is usually wearing the same plaid shirt. he does this part at the end that isn't in the song normally and it's really great. sometimes there is way too much camilla. i have seriously watched so many videos of this song.

i decided i need to try to be more confidant and i realized i have this one friend who is so seemingly effortlessly confident and i have no idea when that happened and i got kind of jealous but then i thought being not confident is just kind of how i am and i don't know how to fix it.

um.

teeth and bathtubs.

i don't want to work tomorrow.

beeeees.

there's an art show/community event thing here next week that's all about bees. i'm trying to come up with something to put in it. i've been making little felted bees that will probably be made into some sort of neckpiece that looks like a swarm of bees and i dyed the yarn to make into some sort of beehive (hive for bees) and beehive (hairdo) hat wig thing. i don't know if it will work or not but it will be something.

i know a few people who are quite fond of bees.

things as they come to me.

i like buying things. polar bear parkas and fur coats and poofy dresses. i need to start checking out yard sales and antiques stores again.

i had a job interview today at a war museum. they said they'd call this evening but i don't think they will now.

i have been watching doctor who. i don't know if i like it or not but i can't stop watching. i'm almost caught up. the new series only, of course. david tennant is so adorable. the new guy is also but i think it's mostly the bow tie and tight pants.

i haven't been listening to sunset rubdown every moment of my life. this is a good sign.

i also haven't cross-stitched. but i have almost finished my second grey sock.

i am disappointed in lost.

i want to move into my apartment.

my friend had a party and her friends from school who i don't know came and i only felt normal-me-awkward rather than me-at-a-party awkward. that was nice.

i went through a bunch of my grandmother's photo albums, some from when i was a kid and some from when my mom and her siblings were around my age. i want to scan and preserve the old ones because there are a bunch of polaroids that are seriously fading and they're really great. i love seeing my grandmother's house, which is now my aunt's, covered in wood paneling and rust-coloured shag carpet.

i hope i age well like my parents. and grandmother.

i always think i want to live somewhere not so close to here, just me and, if i have one, my significant other. but then i go through those photos and realize how much fun we had as a family when we were kids. maybe i'll want that eventually. i don't know.

whenever i think the words "when i have kids" it's like "when i have kids i'll show them all these cool things i owned and pass them down to them" or "i'll dress them in vintage and miniature-adult-clothes so they'll be cool". these are really bad reasons to have kids. i don't think i should have kids if i'm going to hand down my useless junk that they won't care about or force them to wear bow ties or pantyhose and tuck in their shirts since that would probably get them teased mercilessly in school. no, i think i'm too selfish to ever have kids.

ew, babies. blaaaaah everyone is turning 20. i don't want to turn 20. i don't know how to be a responsible adult.

i've stopped remembering my dreams. i haven't remembered any for the past three nights, and only a snippet or two from the several nights before. i miss them. they were so good at first.

damn summer.

being hot and getting in the way of my ability to wear my awesome new coats.

i've had my lovely red parka for a few years but i've always wanted one that was not red because i don't really wear red. also since meeting my lovely friend claire i've envied her hood-tail. this one came to my rescue. POLAR BEARS.

FABULOUS

do you ever go shopping (by shopping i mean thrifting) and see something that is wonderful and ridiculous and fabulous and too totally out-there to actually wear but you just need to buy it anyway because you can't stand the thought of it sitting there unwanted or going to some high school kid who just wants something ridiculous to wear to a dance? something that is a stretch for someone who is of your body type and living in a small town to pull off but if you were a 5'10'' and 100 pound model walking around new york for fashion week you would rock the shit out of it?

i have found that thing. well, i have found those things before, but this is the mother of "that thing"s:


and here i try to be fabulous like the kids on the fashion blogs.


SO GOOD, right? i'm beginning to feel a teeny bit guilty about the amount of fur that i own (yes, it's real) but it's not like i'm buying it new, i guess.

hello there.

i am such a useless lump. i don't know what it is i do with myself that manages to take up entire days.

well, i've been doing some things.

i re-did a chair that was previously covered in a horribly falling-apart black and tan stripe. the tan looked like it was supposed to be white but was really dirty. not a good look. also it was a jersey fabric. which was waaaay too saggy to use for a chair covering. while picking the fabric i told myself not to use another knit but i did. wool sweaters have a bit more elasticity, though.

also i've been cross-stitching. does it look like i did much to it since last time. did i? no. but what i did took a long time anyway. cross stitch = most time consuming thing ever.

i've also taken apart two sweaters, one t-shirt, four scarves, and a pair of gloves.

for those of you who have ever wondered "i wonder what kelly's room at home looks like?" (i wonder this about people, i don't know if that is something other people do) here is the answer.

it's REALLY ORANGE. and the floors are this hideous pink colour that was there when we ripped up the carpet. my mom always promised to paint it but i could never bother to get all my stuff out so that could happen. speaking of floor, can you see floor? yes? that means my room is tidy. my room in my apartment will not look like this. this room is six or seven years of hoarding useless brightly-coloured junk and clothes and toys and pictures of things that i used to like and am now embarrassed of.

(dig my MS Paint photo collage assembly skills)

i ordered one of these the other day even though i don't have a record player. it was an OMG THESE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SOLD OUT impulse. when i bought it i was just thinking how it would be a good thing to own because it's limited edition and all and david horvitz is a cool guy and sunset rubdown is my favourite. but now i really want a record player. i'm not really the music nerd type so i never really considered it, but it was bound to happen sooner or later with my love for most things old-fashioned. and since i pretty much just listen to the same albums over and over again, building up a collection would not be so costly. i just need sunset rubdown. and maybe the soundtrack to cabaret. that would be cool. some flapper jazz. and maybe lady gaga. i wonder how many people buy lady gaga on vinyl.

dreams are fun.

i don't want to go to sleep.

i just want to cross stitch forever and ever!


we had a few days apart but i'm serious about this shit again.

(i don't think i've ever shown off how fabulously high-quality the webcam i bought far $3 is. now you know.)

i venture into a dreamland

i've started writing down my dreams when i wake up in the morning. i've only been doing it for four days, but i've already realized some things.

- i have teeth-falling-out dreams A LOT. i already knew that it was something that appeared a lot, but now that i'm making more of an effort to remember them i realize it happens even more than i had thought. sometimes it's the main, uh, plot point? but sometimes i'll just take a second to stop whatever else i'm doing and spit out a chunk of molar that just fell off. ew.

- things are usually "we did this" or "we were there" but i don't often know who the other people in the "we" are.

- i never have sex dreams. my dream-brain's equivalent seems to be kissing people in bathtubs. i just realized it has happened a couple of times.

spare time.

i've been trying to make things but they've been frustrating me so i decided to take things apart instead.

i have a huge bag of clothes and scarves and shit that i tell myself i'm going to make into better and more useful things but really i'm never going to. so i'm taking it all apart thread by thread.

it's being collected in bags and i might do something with it eventually but for now i'm just doing it because it feels good.

i'm closer to my 20th birthday than to my 19th. i have an apartment with a lease in my name and a chequebook and i can drive on the highway and i'm halfway through my degree, after which i'll likely be moving to a city. i don't know how to live in a city. i don't know how to even visit a city.

i'm not ready to be an adult. i'm still 15 years old in my head and years round down to 2000 rahter than there having been a full decade passed since then. i still stay in my room wasting time all day and plaster my walls with pictures of my favourite celebrity figures (though now they're nice hand-processed prints of my own photos rather than ratty magazine cutouts of captain jack sparrow) and whine to myself about not getting invited to hang out with the cool kids.

i was reading spencer krug's dreams and there was one where he sees his sister naked and is disturbed because for one he saw his sister naked but also because before he realized it was his sister he just saw it as some middle-aged woman. because that's what she was now. being 33 is not quite middle age of course and it's very different from being 19 but it's still kind of the same sort of realization i've been having. i'm not a child anymore and that's very strange. i realized that when i was the age my sister is now i had a boyfriend and went awkwardly to parties where people knew who i was and therefore weren't confused my my presence but they didn't actually know me. my sister is a lot like i am in terms of social awkwardness and such but i don't think she does these things. i think that's better, really, because having the boyfriend and going to the parties were not really things i actually wanted, just things i thought i did.

social circles seem to be pretty much defined by the music people listen to. i never feel like i listen to enough music to fit in.

i also always want to whine in blog posts about these sorts of things. i don't know if i do too much of it. i definitely think of myself as an introvert and i suppose everyone would, but when i spend too much time alone i get to thinking about too many things and getting in strange moods that are not necessarily good. but then when i attempt to be with people to fix it i usually end up awkward and flustered so maybe that's not good either and i guess i am totally an introvert. maybe i'm neither. i can't be alone or with people. that's kind of unfortunate.

i don't really know what i think i'm getting at here.

but i'm getting pretty serious about cross stitch.

i'm not going to tell you what it is unless you're claire, in that case you already know. it will hopefully eventually begin to look like something. it will hopefully be finished some day.

old cameras i love youuuuuu!

RANGEFINDER.

it doesn't work, though. the shutter is sticking. i'll have to see when i'm back in school if it'd be worth getting cleaned/fixed. for now i like to just look through and focus on things because it's a rangefinder and it's cooooo. i love it because it's a huge brick of a camera and the brown leather case and short little strap are SO GOOD. and it came with film in it, but sadly it had been opened so i won't be able to salvage the photos. i've always wanted to get mystery photos from an old camera.

AND


an olympus om-1 slr, which appears to be in perfect working condition! i'm not sure about the light meter; it came without a battery and i tried sticking the one from my other camera into it and it moved but it was like "who you're overexposing everything!" even though it was set at 1000 and f16. i should figure this out. because my yashica has an irritating light leak sometimes and though i think i figured it out i'd like to have a camera that's leak-free. and i like the way this one looks better, haha.

$5 each, bitches.

happy birthday!

happy birthday spencer krug luv u 4eva<3 <3 !!!!1!1!!1

i'm a few hours early. maximizing my hopeless fangirl status with abbreviations and exclamation marks.

photo II and some other things.

Unibrow

Thick Ankles

Pit Stains

Man Hands

Large Saggy Boobs

those are the rest of them minus one that stayed in sackville to hang on a wall somewhere. probably the second most embarrassing one apart from the boobs, actually. it showed my naked back and some side boob and fat rolls. hmmm.

other news:

i drew something today. just for the sake of drawing because i haven't really been doing that lately. it's pretty half-assed but i just needed to draw something to see if i still can. i can never tell if my self-portraits actually look like me or not.

the other day i went to st. andrew's to see the exhibit my mom has in a gallery there, and we went to this wool shop that had these amazing toys made of their handwoven wool fabric. they were made by ladies who have been making them for decades, which is why they're so wonderfully old-fashioned looking. i wanted them so badly but they were for display only. and they had these bags with little houses embroidered and felted on that were so wonderful.


and i finished a sock. i'm really loving scratchy old wools.

photo, second semester.

here are some photos from my final portfolio this semester.





half self-portrait, half others. it was a series of ten, the rest of them i got lazy and only made one print of so they're stranded in sackville for a while.

i started out wanting to do something and in the end i think it's a little different. it's sadder than i intended. i don't really know what to say about it but it's like when you're insecure about something so you try to cover it up but in the end your attempt to cover it up makes it even more obvious. so rather than wax your moustache and get those obvious little hairs growing back you might as well cover it up with a fancy stylish moustache.

i was impressed at how hard people had to think when i asked about their insecurities. i know i have a mental list of several things i could spew out on command. then i wondered if maybe they just don't want to say them out loud because they fear that maybe nobody noticed before but if they call attention to it, it'll be all people see. i feel a little weird about being like "hey, i have an above-average amount of facial hair!" because it's something i'm really self-conscious about but i also wonder if people really notice. i have no idea if it's a nobody-notices thing or an oh-dear-that's-unfortunate thing.

hi.

i'm home now. home meaning sussex although it is my home for less of the year and probably won't be again after this summer. that is a weird thing to think about. i never know anymore what to say when asked for my address.

i am still struggling to fix my sleep schedule. when i got back on friday i went to bed at 8 and slept through most of saturday, then i didn't really sleep saturday night i just pretended to and then last night i went to bed at 9 and woke up at 4 and pretended to sleep until 10. sleeping is hard. so is getting out of bed.

i'm going to try to not be lazy this summer. i'm going to try to make something every day. cut up a t-shirt or do a drawing or take a photograph. i'm going to try and do some drawing, actually. this past year i have neglected drawing as a medium in itself rather than just getting ideas out. i don't think i like any of the drawings i did in class this year. other than perhaps my final project which was a book of all my clothes. but i like it more as an object than as a book of drawings. it's actually the only drawing i brought home rather than leave it in the studio, probably to be thrown out.

i feel like i should include some pictures but i don't really have anything. i need to scan in my photo portfolio, but i don't have all of it here because i had to pass it in to be marked and i got lazy and only made one print of some of them.

i had a dream last night

where there was a concert in sussex that was really big and at first it was miley cyrus so we went for laughs and we were at the front and we were really enjoying it because now it was a lady gaga concert and then she sang just dance and nobody likes that song so they all went to sit down at tables because now we weren't in a large concert space we were in a bar and it was the timberland bar and instead of lady gaga it was my aunt cathy and then she got sad about something. and then we left to go home on trains and there was a lady gaga song on the radio that was a cover of a song that sunset rubdown had covered in this dream so i was like i know this song and it turned out to be a cover of a song from some 80s country rock band but the song when sung by lady gaga or spencer krug was really good and i saw a train go by that was huge and made of big fancy yellow houses for cars with windows through which you could see fancy people dining and i was like look at that train! and then i fell off whatever we were driving in and we went to get on the train but it wasn't that fancy anymore but it was little yellow and pink cabins that were really cute and i was excited to go on this train but it turns out that the cabins were relly poorly constructed from plywood and that was a little bit unfortunate.

i like it when i remember so many things from a dream because i usually can't remember enough to piece back into a coherent story. i love how dreams are always like we-were-doing-this-but-then-suddenly-we-were-doing-this-other-thing-but-it-wasn't-suddenly-it-was-just-how-things-were. and i always think of my dreams in terms of "we" but i have no idea who the other people with me were.

i'm making a shirt right now

and i think it's going to be really cool. a clever refashioning of a simple t-shirt, really. i've been thinking about perhaps in the summer making some things to sell at the farmer's market, if this shirt works the way it does in my head i think that it is a cool thing.

i haven't slept for about 30 hours and i don't feel that tired but my typing is pretty bad so i think i should sleep.

whenever i'm in conversations with groups of people i seem to always try to be more conversational and get a remark in every once in a while but then i like zone out for a second and miss part of what's happening and then i'll say something and it will be in the wrong context or something and i spend too much time thinking about how people think i meant this thing when i meant something else and i feel really bad or stupid or like i said something untrue even though they probably don't even notice or forget after a few seconds.

i think i have at least one thing i say per conversation i have that i regret. i dunno why, it's annoying.

ugly afghans.

i started this blog with "knitting blog" in mind. knitting and art blog. i don't really knit a whole lot now. last night i had an urge to crochet a really ugly afghan.


i'm pretending that my grandmother crocheted it for me as a "first apartment" present. because my grandmother is not so much into crafts. i love my grandmother, she is a pretty awesome lady, but it seems like everyone should have a grandmother who crochets them a mismatched afghan to commemorate an important life event.

i remember when i was little seeing in one of those home-decorating-colour-schemes catalogues a room that was all a dusty rose colour with accents of bright orange. i thought it was hideous but i was strangely attracted to it. this afghan will look like that room.

interesting fact: i did not know until today that washington DC is on the east coast rather than over in the west with, you know, washington. i totally thought they were in the same part of the country. sorry, americans, i'm dumb.

art history exam:

it's almost 7am, it's due at 12, and i have a page written of 6-8.

she said to take 5-6 hours for it. LIES.

it really does get worse every time. i just want to go to sleep now.

7:34 and i've got not even two pages. this is the part where i get a nice little chorus of "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck" going through my head.

i use that word a lot more in my head than i do out loud. interesting fact, i guess.

8:19 it's time for more distraction and badly typo'd and puncgtuated rambling because imy brain doesn't work anymore for tihngs it should and i just want to go to sleep all the time and listen to the menfding of the fucking gown for my whole life because that song makes me real happy and it's about mending gowns ehichj is a really good thing i would like to be a gown mender for my job but i don't think tghere is mcyuh demand....i seem drunk but i'm really just frustrated obviously i would not be drunk at 8:21 am whilst sttempting to write this exam...i am glad that i do art for school because i forget how to do everything else but also i think i should do ther things make because art is impracticval and i don't know how to do other tnhigns anymore...iwent to breakfast to getr coffee looking all ugly and half wet haired thinkging nobody i know woulfd see me but thenm someone came and sat with me and i was all bye see you later but i probably eont'r and ewent awawy and he was like have a good summer and i was like awkwadrd thumbs up and went awawy and then i wrealkised that i am really tired hand that is not a prober goodbye for the summer, the cyle of procrastinateinf and complainting about it and it getting worse and compainting about that really never does end.... my hands are all jittery and my freakingoutaboutfinishingthingsintime part of my brain has turnied into a freakinginoutbecausreheresnowayicanfinishitdoimightaswellprocrastinarre nmore patr and i really want to keep tyoing horrible and saying thisngs that are unimportant adn don't makes sense forever because it vfeels much nicer than attempting to fins information anbout whilsletdsrs white girl that doesnt'; fucking exist because i don't care if you're telling me that the scritis talked about it a lot if you're not telling me what threyte said about it guh

this is funny.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

850 am i can't fucking do this. why is this so hard for me? everyone else can write a fucking essay without wasting half an hour between sentences. take home exams remind me of this time last year when i was frantically emailing my prof asking for extensions while my grandfather died. i'm totally just screwing myself over here but every time i have to write something like this i get this overwhelming sense of hopelessness that i'm going to lost my scholarship over this one stupid fucking essay that i just couldn't be bothered to start on time and i don't even know why that matters to me that much i mean the 3000/year is great but will i even notice that in a few years when i'm tens of thousanmds of dollars in debt with a useless degree and i lack the ability to even write a fucking 6 page paper?